About Christmas and Abstract Feelings
by eu-nao-sou-um-chapeu
Summary: December 25th has been more than just Christmas for a while now (eleven years, more specifically). -Or: the initial embarrassing Christmas/birthday fluff that turned into 5k words about those "abstract feelings" supporting Yuuri throughout the years and kinda lost its fluff.


**I**

 **2005**

She was washing the dinner dishes while humming a Christmas carol. It was Christmas eve, almost midnight, and although they did not celebrate the holiday, some of their guests did; thus, there was a shining and colorful tree in the living room and more colorful lights around the inn.

Truth be told, Hiroko always had her fun doing all the decorations and Yuuri seemed to enjoy it too. Yuuri, who had fallen asleep at the dining room after refusing the cake his sister ate.

It was a peaceful night, she mused. Not many guests, which was bad for their wallet, but also meant a rest and time for her family. Toshiya was outside, closing the hot springs for the day and-

"What the hell?"

An alarm clock started ringing _very loud_ at the next room. Hiroko left the dishes and peeked at a startled Mari.

"What is it?"

"You tell me." The girl pointed to the thirteen years old little boy who woke up with a jump and turned off the clock.

"Yuuri why do you have a clock with you?"

His hair was messy, there was also some drool on his mouth and he looked startled. His eyes focused on her and he shrieked. "It's today! It's today! Mom, it's today!"

Yuuri was suddenly jumping and Hiroko's heart skipped a beat. Did she indulge him a bit too much with the Christmas tree? Was he expecting Santa to bring gifts? Oh, there would be no gifts by the tree and Yuuri would be disappointed and-

But Yuuri didn't spare a glance to the sparkling tree, and kept jumping and singing "today, today today!" as he ran to the kitchen.

Hiroko watched as the little boy opened the fridge and cut a piece of cake ("Thought you didn't want cake." Mari remarked), got some matches and started opening and fumbling over the drawers ("Where, where?"). "Aha!" he blurted at some point, and then brought everything to the table.

Both women watched with curiosity.

Yuuri took a little white candle, stuck it to the piece of cake and lighted it with a match. He put his hands together with a soft clap and-

"Are you _praying_?"

He opened his eyes and faced them – _really_ faced them – for the first time since his frantic outburst.

"Mari-onee-chan! It's December 25th! It's Viktor's birthday!"

 _Oh._

The figure skater birthday, yes. Yuuri did mention it one or three times during the week, but she failed to see how important the subject was to him. Hiroko smiled at her son, whose eyes twinkled in excitement, hands clapped.

"Huh? And you're lightning a candle?"

"I'm celebrating."

Her daughter lazily rest on her elbows. "Well, you know you can't blow that candle, right?"

"Why?"

"It's this guy's birthday, not yours. What if you make a wish while blowing and steals his birthday wish?"

Yuuri gasped. Mari grinned. Hiroko sighed.

"That's not possible." But he didn't sound so sure, frowning at the cake instead. "The candle will melt on the cake. How will I eat it?"

Mari was still grinning as she got up and headed out the room. Hiroko rolled her eyes and smiled at her son. "We take the wax out later, okay?" She sat by his side and clapped her hands. "Happy birthday, Viktor."

Yuuri smiled brighter than the Christmas tree.

"Happy birthday, Viktor!"

They only ate the cake after the candle completely melted.

 **II**

 **2006**

Hiroko was ready next year. She was eager, even. Toshiya was smiling, although a bit cautious.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? He might expect a present every year."

"Oh, he won't." She dismissed, laughing a little as they opened the front door. The present they had been hiding all day was curled in her arms. "Besides, since we are giving it to him anyway, might as well do it on a special day."

Yuuri didn't disappoint. He stared impatient at the cellphone, biting his lower lip. Then the clock probably turned midnight, for he squealed in joy and turned to his sister. "You know today is-"

"Viktor's birthday, aye." Mari let a long sigh out, as to express how annoying the whole thing was (Hiroko noticed, though, how she didn't leave the room and the eager glances she threw between them and her brother).

"Yes! Yuu-chan said we could skate Viktor's program today! She even got the song in a CD and Takeshi said-"

"Woof"

A tiny bark escapes the little fluffy ball in her arms. Hiroko giggled as Yuuri finally noticed them and the tiny dog. He made the most pitched noises, followed by a little jump and ran toward them.

He was fourteen, but still so small and chubby – and overly excited about simple things as his idol birthday and a puppy. He looked much younger sometimes.

Well, it was better this way, she thought. Hiroko delighted herself as her son embraced the little poodle and thanked them; she appreciated the red in his cheeks, his sweet smile and the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes.

"Spoiled little pest." Mari said as she patted her brother's head and lowered herself to study the dog.

"Yuuri" Hiroko called and those shining big eyes turned to her "what are we calling him?"

Yuuri didn't need a second. "Viktor!"

 _Of course_.

 **III**

 **2007**

He knew it was childish of him, he really did. Even so, Yuuri couldn't help but looking at all those posters staring back at him and wishing to do something for his idol's birthday. His sister may laugh as much as it pleased her, but it was not keeping him from appreciating Viktor Nikiforov and doing whatever little thing he could to make tomorrow special in his honor.

Even if Viktor himself would never know of any of this.

Of course, he would play with the idea anyway. What would he do if he knew Viktor Nikiforov? He'd like to skate with him. Even if he made a fool of himself compared to gracious Viktor and his beautiful hair… He'd probably like to…

Oh, no.

He slapped his face loudly with both hands. "Dangerous territory, Yuuri."

Dangerous, indeed, considering all those posters around him and his fifteen-year old hormones. Nope. Absolutely nope.

Sighing and ignoring his heating cheeks, he settled for a safer train of thought. What would Viktor be doing tomorrow? Training as any other day? Having dinner with a special someone? Going out with his friends? Eating a cake with his family?

Eating a cake... He'd like to eat a cake with Viktor. Though the Christmas cake they usually ate wasn't what Viktor would have for his birthday, right?

He pulled the asleep dog out of his lap ("Sorry, Vicchan." " _Woof_."), went for the computer and googled something like "russian cakes". He scribbled the first recipe he found on a paper and left in search of his mother. He found her at his sister's room, looking thorugh some drawers.

"Hey, mom. I, uh-"

"Huh?" She left the open drawers behind and stood up to face him, quite confused. "Viktor's birthday is only tomorrow, right?"

"Uh, yes." Yuuri blushed at his own obviosity and played with his glasses. "I was just, uh, just wondering if we could do this cake for tonight?" He handed her the recipe and babbled some more before giving up and sampling stating: "It's a honey cake."

His mother read it carefully until some understanding flashed on her eyes. "Ah, a _russian_ honey cake!"

"Uh, yes. It's a layer cake so it shouldn't be so different from the one we usually have, so I thought we could, uh, you know, bake this instead?"

"Sure." She smiled, because his mother was all gentle words and understanding smiles and soon they were out buying honey and powdered sugar.

…

It turned out to be completely different from the layer cakes they were used to bake. When they were halfway through the process of applying the frosting, they found out the cake needed to be refrigerated overnight. They ended up agreeing five hours was enough time.

After dinner, they ate a not so soft and steady cake, but delicious nonetheless. (Mari was the only one to really complain, and still she ate three pieces. Vicchan also sniffed around, pretty interested, so Yuuri was not that worried with the result.)

"I should take Minako-sensei a piece tomorrow." Yuuri mumbled as he turned off the lights and lied on his bed. "What do you think, Vicchan?"

Vicchan, being, well, a dog, only barked in response, jumping on his owner bed and accommodating at his usual spot, by Yuuri's feet.

Yuuri stared at his posters, barely visible under the moonlight, and wondered if Viktor would, by any chance, eat a cake like the one they just had eaten; if he would share it with special people and enjoy it just as much as Yuuri did; if he would fall asleep with a dog on his bed, too, with a pleased smile and the soft beat of a waggling tail.

Yuuri closed his eyes and hoped the answers to those questions were yes.

 **IV**

 **2008**

"Oi, Hiroko."

"Ah, Minako-san! Good night."

Minako sighed in a way too dramatic to her own standards and sat by the Christmas tree.

"Thought of passing by, since my student just called ditching me for tomorrow." The woman suspiciously looked around, searching her offender. "Say, is it a date?"

The teacher feigned wound, but Hiroko noticed her tense shoulders and impatient eyes. She was worried. Which was not a surprise. She had always been present in Yuuri's life, ever since he started taking her classes, taking him by the hand and driving to the skating rink whenever the boy seemed a little more anxious than usual.

Nowadays they saw each other daily – not only because he started taking part at local competitions and increased their training, but also because his anxiety would strike more often and hard with the pressure of competitions and teenage life in general. Minako was the only one to get through a panic attack most of the time. It was only natural that she would worry if Yuuri called cancelling all next day appointments.

Hiroko smiled. "Oh, actually…"

"Mom, where's Vicchan's leash? I'm taking him for a walk before din- ah, Minako-sensei!"

Yuuri hurried into the room hugging the tiny dog.

"Yuuri." Minako waved a hand as he joined them.

"Why are you…?" He shook his head and gave up on whatever he was going to say, asking instead: "Are you staying for dinner? We are having cake."

Minako quirked a brow. Certainly, an excited teenage wasn't what she expected to find.

"Yuuri? I found it at the baths." Thoshiya peeked form the back door.

"Eh? Why was it there?" He took the leash and pinned it to the poodle. "I'll be back in a while!"

"What is this about?" Minako asked after her student left.

"It's Viktor birthday tomorrow."

The woman's eyebrows furrowed. "Viktor…?"

"Nikiforov."

"And?"

"Well, Yuuri was saying something about Yuu-chan finally having a day off. I guess they'll be skating together tomorrow."

Minako was still staring at her as if nothing made sense.

"Why don't you just join us tonight?"

.

.

.

"Minako-sensei! You should come always, it's more fun watching Viktor skating with you!" said a not so sober Yuuri.

"I'm always a good company, Yuuri!"

Toshiya snored soundly. Yuuri and Minako shouted together (" _A quad flip!_ "), to which Vicchan barked and jumped around. Mari looked annoyed, but stayed nonetheless.

Okukawa Minako joined them with more than sheer enthusiasm that night – key word was alcohol.

There was some more "oh" and "wow" from Yuuri while his teacher almost glued her eyes to the television.

"Now, look at that ass!"

"Minako-san…"

But Hiroko's quiet censure was lost with her son's excited cry: "I know, right?!".

She and Mari exchanged astonished looks before the latter burst into laughter. "Why- mom, oh god, why aren't we recording this?"

Then the conversation went on about "Viktor Nikiforov's fine ass". It sometimes diverted to his graceful skating skills or platinum hair, but its main focus was always dutifully brought back by the older woman.

"What a great influence we found him as a teacher."

Those two were a guffawing mess lying on the floor. Hiroko nodded to her daughter. "Indeed."

 **V**

 **2009**

Viktor took speed, jumped and… landed his quad loop perfectly. Yuuri let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"I could watch this a thousand times and I'd still be amazed."

"Correction:" Minako approached with a teasing voice "you've watched this a thousand times and it still amazes you. Here." She gave him a napkin.

"Thank you." He sneezed.

"Who wants some Viktor cake?"

"Dad!" Yuuri hid his face on his hands. "Can't you just say cake? Or Christmas cake, if you must call it something at all."

"I want some!" His sister slid to his side and grabbed a plate.

"I can't, this is no Christmas cake." His father simply said innocently, though Yuuri knew he was enjoying the tease.

He grunted in annoyance; Mari grunted while murmuring a "delicious" and swallowing half the cake: "Also, it's funnier when we embarrass you."

That Yuuri knew. He remembered too well his teacher and sister shouting way too loud with a poster way too colorful at last year's nationals; remembered his face plastered all over the Ice Castle and both the guilty looks he got form his childhood friends; remembered his parents gathering all neighborhood and making a _katsudon_ night to watch the competition.

"You are the only one who's good to me, right Vicchan?" The poodle waved its tail. Some guests – tourists – exchanged presents by the Christmas tree.

"Hey" His teacher blurted, eyes suspiciously shining "we should watch Yuuri's performances at the nationals!"

"Definitely not!"

" _Oh_ , that would be good."

"I like this year song." His father agreed.

Vicchan barked at the sudden commotion. "Even Vicchan wants to see it, Yuuri." His mother helpfully added.

Yuuri could only hide his face with his hands as Mari announced she was going to pick de DVD – because, of course, they had it all recorded. He thanked God Yuuko and Takeshi didn't take part at this Christmas celebration of theirs.

Not that he was bad, but he messed up his jumps and didn't classified – which wasn't something new, to be honest. Also, it was a little embarrassing rewatching his previous presentation with his family and friends, because of course they would feel compelled to praise him – even when he didn't deserve said praises. _Also_ , he may or may not have thought of Yuu-chan when he heard the song Minako chose for his free skate – _married and pregnant_ Yuu-chan, as his heart failed to remember sometimes.

The shape of Viktor Nikiforov was substituted for Katsuki Yuuri, and for a second he could pretend they were at the same ice, competitors of the same event.

Yuuko's words echoed in his head.

If that on his hands was his birthday cake and there was a burning candle waiting for his wish, he'd wish he was good enough; that all the faith put in him wasn't vainly wasted; that he could be praised for his skills and victories, instead of loving eyes and pitiful words.

He'd like to skate on the same ice as Viktor Nikiforov.

 **VI**

 **2010**

 **a.**

"Where's Yuuri?"

"Ah, Minako-san. He's on the Ice Castle." She placed the cake in front of them. "He has a lot on his mind lately."

"Viktor cake! Can I have a piece?" Mari cried extending her hands to grab a knife.

"Not midnight yet." Toshiya shoved her hands away.

"Well" Minako got down to the DVD player and pulled a CD out of her bag "he is not here, so he has no choice in this.". The images from last week competition start playing at the television. Yuuri didn't classify for the World Championship, but he broke his personal record _and_ landed all his jumps.

Well, to be honest, they'd be watching the records even if none of that had happened. Minako shouted at an triple axel – that Hiroko only knew was an triple axel for the ballerina shouted it. Hiroko herself saw little difference between each jump, but she agreed Yuuri skating was a beautiful sight nonetheless. And the world was beginning to notice that too, if the suit cases and all the posters packed up inside a box in Yuuri's room were any indication.

Hiroko braced herself and fought back tears. What a bittersweet feeling.

 **b.**

He was panting. He slid down to the ice until he was sprawled on his back, arms and legs wide open, chest rising and falling unsteadily.

He was close, he knew it. Each day that went by was a day closer to achieving his dream.

He would move to Detroit; Clestino would coach him; He would become a skater able to face Viktor Nikiforov. Yuuri shivered in excitement.

And fear. Oh he'd be lying if he said he was not afraid. But for the first time in his eighteen years of awkwardness and anxiety, Yuuri was feeling more excited than nervous. For the first time he could say he was skating purely on excitement and eager, brute anticipation. No angst. No lingering fear. Just the twist and turns in his stomach. It felt nice.

His phone beeped in his pocket. Oh, midnight already.

"Happy birthday, Viktor." He quietly muttered.

When he got home, his ballet teacher was passed out on the main hall, his sister and dad nowhere to be found and his mother awaited with a piece of cake and an asleep Vicchan.

Yuuri was happy, he really was.

Still, hours later, curled on his bed and hugging his dog, he cried.

 **VII**

 **2011**

 **a.**

Toshiya held her hands. Mari patted Vicchan without paying any real attention, and Minako didn't drink at all, remarking something about Yuuri's performance at the nationals (which they were watching obviously, because without Yuuri complaining around they could) (truth be told, watching the videos lack appeal when Yuuri wasn't there).

"Oh right, I'll get the cake." Toshiya got up from Hiroko's side.

"Viktor cake." Minako mumbled. "What's the fun in calling it Viktor cake if Yuuri's not here to tease?"

"Oh!" Mari shouted with a jump. Vicchan lowly woofed and searched for Hiroko's lap instead. "Should we record him a video?"

"Ah, good idea, good idea!" Minako was already taking her phone out and searching for the camera.

"Here, here" Hiroko pulls her husband, who was holding the cake, and lift Vicchan.

They gathered closely and Minako pressed the button: "Hey Yuuri-!"

 **b.**

" _Hey Yuuri-! Wait, what should we say?"_ The woman glanced behinds.

" _Happy birthday to Viktor?"_ His father suggested amused.

His sister and teacher snorted louder than necessary.

" _Alright, on three."_ His mother intervened. _"One… Two… Three!"_

" _Happy birthday to Viktor Nikiforov!"_ They screamed together, Vicchan barking along. They were laughing when the video ended (Yuuri was sure he saw tears rolling down his sister's face).

Yuuri put the phone back to the bag and skated back to the center of the rink with a smile on his face. It was barely 10 in the morning of the 24th and Yuuri was in the middle of practice.

He went through all the day with a smile.

.

.

.

They were going back to their dorm, Yuuri and Phichit, when he spot it.

Yuuri squealed and ran into the bakery he never noticed before. Phichit trailed, intrigued, behind him.

"Two pieces of the honey cake, please."

When it stroke midnight and they were back to their room, Yuuri shared a piece of cake with Phichit, because he was nice and practically his only friend, and also because there's no point in eating Vik- cake alone.

He finally felt at home, after so many months- Except Phichit said "Marry Christmas" instead of Happy Birthday and Yuuri went along, because it would take so long to explain and it was embarrassing anyway.

God, he missed Hasetsu.

 **VIII**

 **2012**

December 25th was quite depressing that year. They were all sitting in silence. Even Vicchan showed less interest in the colorful lights and decorations. He was six years old, after all – which means a lot for such a small breed.

Mari sighed annoyed. "You are all getting old."

"Ha? Old?"

"I'm calling Yuuko-chan." She cut the ballerina and tapped the phone. "Hi, Yuuko-chan. Yes, yes. You guys want to come and eat some cake? Of course! Alright, see you. Bye, bye."

Yuuko and her family arrive in less than an hour. All silent and boredom form before was gone the moment the two-year-old triplets half crawled, half ran into the inn.

"Didn't we wake you?" Hiroko asked as she greeted them.

Takeshi laughed. "I'm not sure we are going to sleep at all. The girls have been agitated lately."

"Hey, come here you little pests" Minako called, and the girls stumbling walked to her. "Let's watch something cool." She set the DVD player and the girls were already losing interest when Yuuri appears and starts his program. They stopped mid walking and fell sitting again.

"Like mommy!" Axel shouted.

"Ah, yeah. Yuuri skates like mommy does-" Yuuko explained, but Loop's screech the moment Yuuri jumped interrupted her:

"More good than mommy!"

"Like…" Lutz starts and then sisters faced each other to shout together in excitement: " _Viktoru_ _Nifororov!"_

Yuuko laughed and sat next to Hiroko, Takeshi was already engaged in a conversation with Toshiya. Mari rested his face on his hands. "Of course they would know Nikiforov even before learning to walk properly."

"I've been introducing them to the world of figure skating." Yuuko admitted sheepishly.

"They seem to enjoy it." Hiroko stared as Minako explained something the girls probably did not understand, but to which they nodded anyway and gasped. "Want some cake?"

"Yes, please. Is this a Christmas cake?"

"Viktor cake." Mari corrected.

"Viktor…?"

"It's Viktor Nikiforov's birthday after all." Toshiya explained with a smile.

Yuuko stared blankly until understanding reached her eyes and she laughed.

"Ta-Takeshi! Yuuri would talk about it the whole day, do you remember it, Takeshi?"

"Just Yuuri? You were quite the fangirl as well." Takeshi's brows went up and there was fun in his eyes. "Actually, _you_ made us sing birthday to Viktor once. That's when Yuuri began fawning over it too."

"Oh, that was only once and I was just fifteen-"

"Mom, mom!"

"We want to skate!"

"Like Yuuri!"

"Now!"

The girls were jumping around their mother, pulling her clothes and trying to push her to the door.

"How can little humans who can't even walk, skate?" Mari asked.

Yuuko breathed a pained sigh. Apparently, that would be a problem for her to solve. "Let's eat some cake first, yes?"

At the mention of cake, the girls quieted down and glanced at the table. Yuuko starts a clumsy "happy birthday to you" and they all sang along.

 **IX**

 **2013**

Yuuri went out for a walk.

He was feeling especially anxious that day, his chest just wanted to to go the Ice Castle and skate his routines and the try out Viktor programs all night. But he wouldn't be doing any of these, since there was no Yuu-chan to let him enter the rink late into the night. And even if he waited until the next day, Christmas was a holiday at America and the local rink would be closed, so yeah – no skating for him.

"I should've asked Phichit to do _something_ together." He mumbled, but discarded the thought. Nationals were next week, so Yuuri was just a bit homesick.

He wondered if Vicchan would still recognize him. God, he didn't know his best friends' daughters. The worst thing was he knew that, even though he would be back to Japan for a week in four days, he wouldn't go home. He couldn't go home. He didn't even understand why. Yuuri was just awkward like that.

When he realized, he was inside a Starbucks

He spent that Christmas Eve drinking hot chocolate, watching the 2005 Junior Companionship on his cellphone and wondering if everything was worth it.

 **X**

 **2014**

They were watching Yuuri's performances at last year competitions as usual – some were taken form YouTube, when the competition was big enough to be shown at TV; most of them recorded by Phichit, whose face would frequently appear on the camera, occasionally waving and blinking at them. He was a nice boy, Phichit. And a good friend, it seemed. Hiroko's heart calmed a little bit knowing her son wasn't alone.

"Oh, I have something!" Minako announced and ran through her bag. "Vicchan, shoo." She pushed away the dog trying to enter her bag and took a pen-drive from it. "I was searching some photos and found this."

Minako turned to the triplets and whispered, dead serious:"You will now watch 'Katsuki Yuri: the beggining."

"Oh!"

When the video finally started, there was a wooden floor and then " _Is that all you got, Yuuri?_ "

A little boy pushed his leg upper, cheeks flushed and brows furrowed. And then he let his leg fall and turned to the camera.

" _It's difficult, Minako-sensei._ "

But the boy breathed in and tried again. And again. And again. On the next video, he was dancing and spinning; jumping and falling and standing up; on the next one he fell again, but somehow managed to bring his teacher down with him – the camera twisted as it hit the ground, all that could be seen was the ice, but there was the muffled sound of giggles-

Toshiya sobbed. Only then Hiroko notices her cheeks were wet.

"So" Mari cleared her throat when her voice broke: "So- are we eating Viktor cake or not?"

Minako offered to get the cake and left to the kitchen rubbing her eyes, Yuuko followed to help bringing the plates and Takashi took the girls to the low dinner table.

They ate cake in silence that night, the only sound being the ones of the little boy on the TV and the little girls watching him.

 **XI**

 **2015**

After some asking, begging and a considerable amount of money, Yuuri successfully bribes someone. The guy who worked at the ice rink, actually.

And now, past midnight of December 25th, Yuuri is in front of the rink entrance with a couple of keys in his hands.

As he puts the skaters on, he wonders why he bothered. He has already decided to take a break next year. Or so he told Celestino. It is more likely he is stopping for good.

Skating has been more a pain than any happiness lately. And Yuuri will never fulfill his dream anyway, so what is even the point? Skating as an equal with Viktor Nikiforov. Viktor, who didn't even recognize him as a competitor.

It's been two weeks since that embarrassing Grand Prix Final and even less since his humiliation at the Japanese nationals. But Yuuri is tired of sulking and feeling depressed. Competitive skating is destroying him. He wants to forget all about the pressure, tears, insults of russian teenagers and condescending smiles of his idol. He just wants to _enjoy_ skating again.

So, when he steps on the ice, he immediately avoids any of his routines. Instead, he tries some steps he long ago created with Yuu-chan; he still remembers some routines they choreographed under the question "What would Viktor do?". Some of them are easy now, others still too pretentious, even for his twenty-three-year-old self.

His steps changes to something he doesn't recognize at first, until he realizes it's Viktor's short program at his last Junior GPF.

Yuuri smiles and it is bitter.

It's always about Viktor, in the end.

There is no Katsuki Yuuri without skating and there is no skating without Viktor Nikiforov.

He skates every single program he can remember. Some he had already skated with Yuuko, Phichit or alone; others he just watched in awe at his computer screen; he does all he can remember of each program and goes to the next. And to the next. And to the next. Quads become triples. Combinations are easied down.

And he falls, more times than he can count.

At some point, he doesn't get up and just lies on the ice.

He misses his family. He should probably take this _break_ and go to Hasetsu. It's been five years since he's been at home. Why did it take him so long…?

His eyes burn. His hands and legs shake.

 _Vicchan_.

Yuuri sits with a jump and lets out a shaky breath as he rubs his eyes.

He doesn't want to think about it today. Today he wants to… He'd like to…

He'd like to skate _Stammi Vicino_.

He has seen the program with his own eyes at the GPF. It was beautiful, hypnotizing. It was lonely and desperate. It was falling to pieces, but also holding and _begging_ and holding tighter. It was admitting fragility. It was finding himself in other.

It was learning to skate again through Viktor Nikiforov.

He only stops again when he's sobbing to the point he can't even breathe.

 **XII**

 **2016**

"I'm going to miss here" Yuuri leans closer to his fiancée, who embraces him.

"Yes." Viktor kisses the top of his head "We should visit from time to time."

Yuuri agrees. When they finally arrive, Yuuri opens the door and says, out of habit, because everyone's probably sleeping by now: "I'm home-"

"Yuuri!" Minako cuts, peeking form the TV "We were waiting for you!"

"Huh?" He stares at the people gathered on the dinner hall. His parents and sister are siting by the low table, chatting with Yuuko and Nishigori, and his teacher is at the TV, with the triplets and Makakchin. "You were all waiting us?" He asks dumbly.

"It's the first December in years we're spending together, Yuuri. Of course we're waiting you."

His eyebrows furrow a little more at his father words. Viktor pokes his arm. "You said you didn't celebrate Christmas, Yuuri."

"But we don't-" That's when he sees the cake on the table and an excited squeak escapes his mouth. "Are we having a Viktor cake?!"

"Huh?" Viktor's beside him, intrigued, but Yuuri is too focused on the scene in front of him to notice.

"Of course we are, it's Viktor birthday!" Mari explains as if it's obvious. Yuuri's throat tightens. It _is_ obvious. They're his family. He missed this so much.

Yuu-chan claps her hands. "It's midnight already! Should we watch Yuuri's videos? I got an old one my mom recorded-"

"Eh! No way!"

"Yes, mommy, please!" The triplets interrupt him and Yuuri stares incredulous at the scene.

"Well," his mother interrupts them seeming pleased "we should probably congratulate Vicchan first!"

There's a moment of silence in which everyone turns to face Viktor – real Viktor, his coach and fiancée – who's still standing by the door and looking at them with that heart shaped smile.

"I do not understand a thing, but I'm enjoying it so far".

His sister is the first to break in a choked laugh. Or it is Minako-sensei. Well, it doesn't matter, because now they are both on the floor laughing, his sister crying and holding her belly while Minako is slapping the floor unstopping.

"I total- totally forgot" Mari chokes and breaths and laughs "I- forgot it was 'bout a real person!"

"And now Viktor is here!" Makkachin makes a scared noise and buries under the table. Minako is still violently hitting the floor "Viktor is here and we are. Celebrating. Viktor birthday!"

Yuuri's too busy being overwhelmed by the situation to react. His mother serves a piece of cake and goes to Viktor, handing him the plate. "Happy birthday, Vicchan!"

Viktor's too pleased when he thanks Hiroko and accepts the cake. He searches for Yuuri eyes – delighted, that's the word – and smiles. "What is going on?"

"Come, come." Yuuri's mom pulls Viktor and then grabs Yuuri's arm and make them sit by table, among everyone else.

"You know, Viktor, Yuuri was a big fan of yours. And when he was a kid-"

"A kid?!" Mari interrupts their father with a mocking noise "He was already fourteen!"

"What?! Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Anyway." His mother cuts in "When Yuuri was- younger, the clock would show midnight of December 25th and he would go all 'It's Viktor birthday, it's Viktor birthday!'. It was the sweetest thing."

"And then we were all forced to watch Viktor Nikiforov's performances all day." Minako says.

"And also hear how perfect and handsome and amazing Viktor Nikiforov was."

"Hey!" Yuuri lets an offended shout and glares at his sister. "It was not like that!"

"Ha! It was not like that, he says!"

"It _was not_ -"

" _Pfft."_

Yuuri stops his protests and turn to face the man by his side.

It starts as smalls giggles that Viktor covers with a hand. But then it evolves to a snort and suddenly Viktors is choking with his laugh. His cheeks are flushed, eyes closed tight and he's muttering something like "can't breathe".

Yuuri finds himself smiling too.

His mother cuts the cake his father gives each person a plate and a remark about their weight as well; Mari and Minako are still making poor imitations of his younger self; Yuuko and Nishigori explain each jump little Yuuri does to their daughters, and Makkachin curls around his feet.

Ýuuri puts aside a piece of cake for Vicchan and picks his phone.

A selfie with Phichit and Yurio welcomes him when he unlocks the screen ("You need a photo of your friends, right Yurio?" Yurio just grimaced, as he set the photo as Yuuri's wallpaper."). He slides away a message from Minami (MERRY CHRISTMAS!), deciding he will check it in a minute, and opens his camera.

Viktor's still trying to regain his composure, hands on his mouth, when Yuuri clicks. The golden ring shines beautifully on his screen.

"Yuu~ri." Viktor starts but another wave of giggles stops him. "Yuuri, I'm so happy. Thank you."

Blue eyes stare affectionately at him. There are boxes packed in his room and airplane tickets on his wallet. Yuuri smiles.

"Happy birthday, Viktor."

He never felt so at home.

Viktor's eyes shine in amusement and his voice gets that usual teasing tone: "But you know, _Yuuri_ , Japan's seven hours ahead of St. Petersburg. All these years you've been celebrating my birthday _before_ the actual date. I could be dead by now!"

Yuuri rolls his eyes and tangle their fingers.

Yep. This is what home feels like.


End file.
